Inexplicable Videogame Phenomenon #2
February 17, 2010
Glowing Weak Spots
Picture the scene. Call Of Duty: Modern Warfare 2. Team Deathmatch. Highrise map. The score is perfectly balanced at 9900-9900. The next kill wins the match. You jump out of the window at one end of the map, and you get tagged by a sniper, camped out across the battlefield. Your own blood obscures your vision and you drop to the ground, and your Final Stand deathstreak kicks in. What do you do?
You crawl behind cover of course. You can survive this sniper, as long as no-one else is around to finish you off. Imagine, instead, that you fasten an enormous red cardboard arrow to your back. It reaches out above the shelter you are cowering behind. At the top, in large glowing letters, a sign reads: ‘HERE I AM. COME KILL ME’. Absurd, right? Suicidal? You betcha.
Every boss, ever, has a weakspot – a place to target for massive damage. Rather than, say, double up an extra piece of armour there, a boss will often telegraph exactly how to down their massive bulk by making their weakspots fucking glow. Why would they do that? Death wish? It’s akin to a rugby player compensating for a dodgy knee by strapping a disco ball to it. Of course you are going to be drawn to it, taking out disco ball, leg and player in one crunching tackle.
Take the slavering, hulking beauty at the top of this post, The Jailor from Darksiders, a title that, by and large, infinitecontinues rates highly. This brute has three weakspots, all glowing merrily, in his shoulder. Here’s an idea – throw an over-the-shoulder cape, with a nice thick weave obviously, over those suckers. Perhaps in a deep royal blue to offset that fetching orange look you got going on. Bingo, problem solved, death averted.
Oh, and another pro-tip: make sure that the only weapon that can kill you, or even damage you, is nowhere near you. You’ve known for awhile that we’re coming for you. Perhaps hide that Crossblade in another castle? Certainly don’t put it in large, conspicuous, golden chest in the same wing. And don’t mark said chest on a map of the entire castle, which is also in a large fucking golden che… Oh, forget it. Enjoy your death, retard.